Many things scare me. Being murdered by police who slice out one piece of me and label it a target: race, nonbinary agender though socialized as a woman and femme presenting, size, my Black Joy being too much of a resistance to the point it’s perceived as a threat to the status quo. My existence takes up space in a world that wants me smaller.
I’m afraid of rejection. The harsh and hot sting of knowing I’ve been dismissed. Friends, romantic partners, family, co-workers, people on the street. Both strangers and comrades can decide I don’t add to their lives. I imagine someone erasing me, as easy as the Paint tool, gone with a few effortless swoops. I am not important enough. Not being enough- this scares me. My heart begins to beat a little faster even writing that. I’m still scared of being stigmatized, knowing how quickly judgment can lead to violence, whether physical or emotional.
My existence feels like an act of courage. I’m often grieving: relationships that have failed, the loss associated with letting a toxic person go, occupying the space left behind and wondering how the gap will be filled with things that nourishes me. I have emotional attachments to educational institutions that both opened opportunities while contributing to my marginalization and systemic racism, that issued me a degree after 4 years of conditioning. My love flows through the river of controlling partners, cascading downward to a new version of myself, but my source runs upstream to the comfort provided by the long-term chaos. While surviving grief, I show up for myself and others. Courage.
Many of my revelations and breakthroughs on this lifelong healing journey have come from being brutally honest with myself about my emotions, and using those emotions as a roadmap to understanding my needs. To cultivate a deeper self-awareness. To transform myself as a building block and pre-requisite for this new world I have envisioned.
Journal with me. Let’s sit with ourselves and our emotions.
Two prompts are below, to be used as a springboard and see where our pen and subconscious organically take us.
- I am afraid of:
- I show courage by:
What came up for you? Tapping into your honest reality can be a seed planted in your garden- how will you nourish it?
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