Intimacy starts with communication. Connection starts with authenticity.
Close your eyes with me for a moment. (actually close em this time) If I whisper the word ‘sex’ in your ear, what thoughts, images, emotions come to mind? Do the hairs on the nape of your neck stand up? Do you think of a sexual encounter you had? Shame? Blushing guilt?
Until I was in my mid-20s, sex was still a dirty word. The act of sex, depending on the person, didn’t cause me pause, especially the juicy titillating lead-up, but rather speaking about it. I felt sinful, dirty, a reluctant rebel partaking in the mattress mambo, not caring with whom I became the proverbial beasts with two backs.
There was a highly charged negative energy surrounding me when I spoke about sex. My introduction to intimacy was being told that it was the same as intercourse; the follow-up lessons focusing on sex as an aggressive power move, laying stake to someone’s body through crushing invasion. From 16- 25, I was struggling with feeling muddy internally while trying to verbally express my sexuality. It took 3 years of therapy, writing. Unlearning conditioning about my nekkid body, what shouldn’t sag and where curves belonged, poking and prodding as visions of ugliness filled my mirror, European beauty standards, female pleasure outside of the cis-het male gaze. It was hard, y’all, to think of radical self-love in terms of my physical body and being able to vocalize the worshiping it deserved.
So let me close my eyes again, as I whisper sex aloud to myself this time. A certain person comes to mind. I feel bliss, a little tingly, but mostly how this person’s energy was about mutual matching of our sexual needs and me being able to ground myself in their desire before and during the act.
I’m still working on reclaiming my narrative, but a key part of continuously doing the work and reflection is being gentle and compassionate with myself throughout the process. Another important part, for me, is being mindful of how intimacy and sex allows folks access to my energy (and really all of my interactions with folks, platonic or otherwise).
New to the world of energy exchange, I’m not going to pretend to be an expert in the field. What I do know is that the exchange is not necessarily about love making; sometimes it’s raw, powerful, angry, sensual, quiet, primal. Maybe the exchange is initiated once we’ve looked into each other’s eyes, the way I touch my own body or theirs, consensual play, penetration. Perhaps it’s the taste of their sweat dripping on to you, the sensation one or both of you get from toys, the physical movement of the sideways samba.
It’s the intention, communication, authenticity, and connection that goes into it.
To our best orgasms, whether emotional or physical.
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